26/365 - Grudge is a waste of time!

Today I should not write, I should excuse myself from myself and take a day to think and to process the death of my grandad.

I should give myself time to dig a hole in my soul and bury in there all the things I should not say. Close them tight and let them boil, that is what normal people do, right? 

I am not burying things anymore, not since I heard that children learn more from your subconscious than from what you think you are teaching them. 

We were not close, he made a choice, a wrong one - today he does not even have a funeral wreath on his grave. The news of his death was not shared with a large portion of his family.

I found out from a stranger, too many days after he passed away.

This morning I have just finished a book called “Man’s Search for Meaning”, by Viktor E Frankl. A very unusual genre for my reading list. I unknowingly started it on the day my grandad died - 31st of August.

I had a feeling it would be like watching “Schindler’s List” and “Life is Beautiful” with the extra psychological interpretations. Needless to say, the book is hard to digest, the visuals are horrendous and they burn like small cuts through the inside of the body.

Viktor E Frankl - Holocaust survivor, neurologist and psychiatrist (among other things) is the father of logotherapy - the belief that the primal motivational force in every human is to search for life’s meaning.

Talking about life’s meaning, inevitably we think about the…. death! We are all transitioning and that cannot be changed, hence the race against time to find your true calling and the pursuit of the feeling that we have lived for something meaningful.

I will never be able to understand how anyone has time for a grudge. How anyone can put enough energy to fuel hate and keep it burning with the passion of a thousand suns for decades. The costs are; irreversibly wasted time, perpetual clouded judgement and a petty, pitiful life in darkness!

I stay away from this and have for years. I will accept today’s events and let them settle as they are - having a glass of white… thinking of an old man that used to love me so much when I was a child.

I normally close by saying “You got this!”

But today, I got this!