22/365 - Bring your heart

Maramures, Romania 2008

Christmas 2010 found us settled into a new life. We were actually having friends over!

We still had not visited Romania, that happened nearly two years after we left.

I am not the biggest of patriots, but it is impossible not to love Romania. When I get homesick I close my eyes and depending on the season I think about different things that I used to take for granted living there.

The sound of crickets on a warm Summer night, the crackle of the wood in the old country house stove, the feeling of an empty Church, the winter smell, the squeaky voices of children carolling at Christmas, the way the flowers smell, the colours of the sky….

Through my worst homesickness I was mapping out the streets of my hometown and could easily imagine my self casually walking up the boulevard I grew up on.

I spent years not being here nor there, tormenting myself. I felt like I did not belong here, but could not live there either.

I did not come to the UK to live solely in Romanian communities, I always rejected that idea. I was feeling restless, until I made a choice.

I did not even know for a long time that a decision had to be taken, but it was holding me back.

I had to say it out loud: “My home is here, I am here to stay, but above everything I WANT to be here!”.

“I want”! Not “I need” or “I have to”.

It took me the better part of seven years to understand what I had to do.

It all changes when the heart fully comes along too.

Most people I know are far from their roots and I can only imagine the things that they are missing, but no one ever talks about these things. We keep ourselves busy to numb our feelings.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received was to allow myself to feel my feelings and to accept them. I was doing anything but that.

But you know better…

You got this!